How To Write Amazingly Popular Fanficiton
by Gen Duruk
Summary: From the people who brought you 'The Human Whose Name is Written in This Fanfiction', comes a tale like no other. One bored teenager embarks on a quest to create a guide for something useless. Fanfiction.


How To Write Amazingly Popular Fanfiction: A Guide

Greetings! So here you are again, facing the daunting prospect of writing your next Fanfiction. You may feel like you have no ideas or skills, but fear not young writer! The world of Fanfiction is the one place where you do not need ideas or skills to be successful. Writing obscenely popular material is as easy as following these simple instructions!

Disclaimer: If you do not become wildly renowned after taking this advice, suck it, it's not like I'm paid for this crap.

The object of our study today is Death Note. You may worry about how your pitiful story may do justice to this insightful and complex show. Set your worries aside; Death Note Fanfiction is neither insightful nor complex. All it takes is this.

Without further ado I present my humble guide to writing amazingly popular Death Note Fanfiction!

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1. Title

The title is an important (if overrated) part of your Fanfiction. You'd be surprised how combining a few exciting sounding words will greatly increase your praise and viewership.

Step A- Choose a word from the list

Deadly

Crimson

Sweet

Ghost

Haunted

Cursed

Eternal

Genesis

Crescendo

Salvation

Sinful

Aesthetic

Clandestine

Vindictive

Note that this is merely a list of cool sounding words mixed with the SAT vocabulary list. If you want to experiment more, feel free to try other big words you learned in English and thought you would never use.

Step B- Choose a word from the list

God

Wammy

Note

Genius

L

Angel

Nightmare

Justice

Murder

World

Kira

Shinigami

Love

Note that these are all words pertaining vaguely to Death Note, or at least what Death Note fangirls think pertains to Death Note.

Step C- Combine like crazy

All you need to do in order to find the perfect title is combine these words. Add in a few others if you want, but this is really all you need.

For example you could write a cuddly romance entitled "Sweet Genius".

Perhaps a chilling drama called "Crimson God".

Possibly a steamy lemon known as "Sinful Love".

The options are endless. Now you have an excellent and alluring title for your very own Fanfiction. Two word titles are the best bet for a writer to start with seeing as they sound cool but have little significance. Have fun!

2. Summary

The summary is your best tool for enticing innocent readers into your Fanfiction. This does not mean you can write 'sorry i suk at summaries but read ma story its really cool!!111!1.' This will simply not do. The art of making your writing sound better than it actually is will help you achieve ultimate success.

Step A- Choose a phrase from the list

Things have changed and…

(Character) takes a chance and…

Hidden from the people…

(Character) has no idea what they're getting into when…

It seems that…

(Character) is back and…

What if…?

(Character) learns about how…

"I've always loved you!"…

(Original Character) is new and…

Step B- Choose a phrase from the list

(Plot Event) never happened!

L loves sweets!

No one can out-run his or her past!

(Character) comes back from the dead!

True love conquers all!

The Death Note Characters are in (different setting)!

A new Kira is rising!

"But what about our child?"

Everything falls apart!

Step C- Choose a phrase form the list

But how will they deal when…?

But who will save it when…?

How long do they have until…?

Will they be able to do it when…?

What can you do when…?

Who you gonna call…?

"Don't worry I love you too (character)"

But what about when…?

Step D- Choose a phrase from the list

(Character) dies!

(Character) comes back to life!

They fall in love!

They have sex!

(Character) gets pregnant!

Kira tries to destroy it!

(Cliché wisdom)

"Let's have sex!"

It comes back to haunt them.

Step E- Combine like crazy

Now all you have to do is take these exciting dramatic phrases and string them together! Feel free to get mildly creative (not too much though, it wouldn't be Fanfiction without boring tripe).

How about some examples?

"It seems that a new Kira is rising! But how will they deal when (character) dies?"

"Hidden from the people, L loves sweets! How long do they have until Kira tries to destroy them?"

An enticing summary is well on its way.

3. Plots

It seems like a plot would be the most essential thing to a story, yet also the most difficult part. Luckily for you it is not! Plots are really only important to carry all of the sex and drama your characters will experience. Sex and drama is really the key.

Step A- Choose the character you think is the sexiest

Light Yagami

L

Misa Amane

Quillish Wammy

Ryuk

Rem

Naomi Misora

Kiyome Takada

Teru Mikami

Kyosuke Higuchi

Shuichi Aizawa

Beyond Birthday

Near

Mello

Matt

Wedy

Aiber

Touta Matsuda

Soichiro Yagami

Sayu Yagami

Reiji Namikawa

Halle Lidner

Hitochi Demegawa

Anthony Rester

Stephen Gevanni

Raye Penbar

Lind L Tailor

Other

Step B- Choose who you think the sexy character should be paired with

Light Yagami

L

Misa Amane

Quillish Wammy

Ryuk

Rem

Naomi Misora

Kiyome Takada

Teru Mikami

Kyosuke Higuchi

Shuichi Aizawa

Beyond Birthday

Near

Mello

Matt

Wedy

Aiber

Touta Matsuda

Soichiro Yagami

Sayu Yagami

Reiji Namikawa

Halle Lidner

Hitochi Demegawa

Anthony Rester

Stephen Gevanni

Raye Penbar

Lind L Tailor

Other

You

Step C- Choose the character you hate the most

Light Yagami

L

Misa Amane

Quillish Wammy

Ryuk

Rem

Naomi Misora

Kiyome Takada

Teru Mikami

Kyosuke Higuchi

Shuichi Aizawa

Beyond Birthday

Near

Mello

Matt

Wedy

Aiber

Touta Matsuda

Soichiro Yagami

Sayu Yagami

Reiji Namikawa

Halle Lidner

Hitochi Demegawa

Anthony Rester

Stephen Gevanni

Raye Penbar

Lind L Tailor

Other

Step D- Choose a setting

Canon

High School

Death Note minus the Death Note

Death Note minus Light finding the Death Note

Post-Canon

The "real" world

Historical Setting

An unspecified bedroom equipped with bondage gear

Step E- Choose a tragedy

Becomes paralyzed

Sister dies

Mother dies

Gets cancer

Gets in a car accident

Loses their memories

Dies

Is captured by Kira

Is raped

Realizes their meaningless and doomed existence

Cancels 'Firefly'

Step F- Choose a plot hole

The gods intervene

Kira intervenes

L stops caring

Everyone mysteriously gets amnesia

The Death Note acquires more powers

It's an AU; I can do what I want!

L is stupid

Light is stupid

A wizard did it

Now all you need to do is put them together:

Once upon a time (A) met (B) in (D). They were both immediately attracted to one another but sought to hide this fact. They became close after interminable chapters of "bonding". Unfortunately (C) was stirring up trouble and wanted to keep them apart. The wicked (C) had a hidden agenda of evil and baby killing but (A) and (B) kept getting in the way. Due to the sheer evilness of (C), (B) tragically (E). (A) is very upset because of this and angst's. Luckily (F). Then all of the problems can be solved.

An example story:

Once upon a time Teru Mikami met Sayu Yagami in Death Note minus the Death Note. They were both immediately attracted to one another but sought to hide this fact. They became close after interminable chapters of "bonding". Unfortunately Matt was stirring up trouble and wanted to keep them apart. The wicked Matt had a hidden agenda of evil and baby killing but Teru Mikami and Sayu Yagami kept getting in the way. Due to the sheer evilness of Matt, Sayu Yagami tragically is raped. Teru Mikami is very upset because of this and angst's. Luckily Kira intervenes. Then all of the problems can be solved.

Can't you almost smell the reviewers?

4. Oneshot/Drabble

The ever-popular "oneshots" and "drabbles" are an opportunity of mediocre lazy people to still achieve Internet renown. Basically you can get away with writing no plot or any of that other hard stuff in favor of sex, drama, more sex, and possibly mood music. I have included this section for any who are interested in the Oneshot/Drabble.

Step A- Choose an popular song

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga

Love Story- Taylor Swift

She Wolf- Shakira

Tik Tok- Ke$ha

Meet Me On the Equinox- Death Cab for Cutie

Good Girls Go Bad- Cobra Starship

Anything by Panic! At the Disco, My Chemical Romance, Linkin Park, Evanescence, or something similarly pop-emo.

Get Ready To Wiggle- The Wiggles

Step B- Choose an SAT vocabulary word

affront

anathema

banal

cloying

deleterious

egregious

fetid

iniquity

nadir

lecherous

Step C- Choose an important problem faced today

Anorexia

Teen Suicide

Teen Pregnancy

Homelessness

Air Pollution

Racism

Gang Violence

Gum stuck on the underside of benches

Step D- Choose a character

Light Yagami

L

Misa Amane

Quillish Wammy

Ryuk

Rem

Naomi Misora

Kiyome Takada

Teru Mikami

Kyosuke Higuchi

Shuichi Aizawa

Beyond Birthday

Near

Mello

Matt

Wedy

Aiber

Touta Matsuda

Soichiro Yagami

Sayu Yagami

Reiji Namikawa

Halle Lidner

Hitochi Demegawa

Anthony Rester

Stephen Gevanni

Raye Penbar

Lind L Tailor

Other

Step E- Combine

Take the character you've chosen. Give them the problem you've chosen. Look up the SAT vocabulary word you've chosen. Use it inappropriately throughout the drabble. Randomly insert lines of the song between writing.

For example:

"_Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy."_

Lind L Taylor could not believe he was homeless. The cold bitter wind whipped around his shoulders as he huddled inside the cardboard box. He'd had it all before but now he had lost it. He supposed he could find a way to earn money, to pretend he was happy, but the thought disgusted him. It was cloying.

"_Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up." _

He hated convention. He hated the sickly sweetness of it. The cloying taste of cloying people with cloying lives having as swell time being cloying. It was so cloying.

"_Ain't got a care in the word, but got plenty of beer."_

Perhaps he would turn to a life of crime. Yes, that sounded good. It was better than being cloying.

"_Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk."_

The drabble will be even better if you don't use complete sentences. Wait until the Microsoft word grammar check has an aneurism before posting your drabble. Make sure that it is a drabble series or else no one will read it. Bonus points if you get the lyrics wrong.

5. Reviews

If you follow these steps closely and have minimal talent you will soon find yourself with people reviewing your story. These cryptic messages can help you better tailor your story to the public's needs and increase your relative fame. You only need to decipher them.

If the review says: Good story, but please use spell-check!

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. The reviewer is a pretentious prick whose opinions do not matter. Add some really big words to the next chapter to shut them up. Don't bother to look the word up.

If the review says: haha, cool story :)

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. The reviewer is a dribbling idiot who cannot be bothered to praise your astounding work in more exciting terms. They are too blown away by your genius. Include questions for readers in the next authors note, it will prompt your stunned fans.

If the review says: This was great! Do ___ next!

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. Do whatever it is they tell you to do. Or else.

If the review says: Wow! ____ and ____ hooked up! And _____ is evil? Wow! And poor _____. Update soon!

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. Your audience is totally hooked on the story. You can now do whatever you want with it and no one will care. Pair your main character with a lizard, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you update as much as humanly possible so you don't lose their attention.

If the review says: "Random quote from the story" This is so heart breaking! Absolutely beautiful! Here's my character analysis for the entire series! So true!

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. Your very deep, intelligent, and poetic. You are a class away from all those other pathetic Fanfiction writers. And now your audience has just given you permission to invent random characterizations for beloved characters!

If the review says: Interesting. Your writing style is lyrical and moving. Everyone was very in character. I look forward to reading more from you.

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. This reader is a bit of a snob and is treating you like they know more about writing Fanfiction than you. No one knows better than you (except for me, of course)! To prove that you know more about Fanfiction than they do, make sure your next story is totally ridiculous but treat it in an entirely serious way. Shut up those condescending reviewers!

If the review says: Hey! So you went to the dentist? Ugh! I hate the dentist! I liked the way ____ used ____ medication. I take that. It's really funny tasting! Good chapter.

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. And this reviewer knows it. And they want to be friends. Why else are they blabbering on about personal things like you did in the author's note? No one wants to hear about they're life, they didn't write the story! But they want to be your friend so they're telling you. Continue to talk about your life in the author's note, your personality alone is drawing people to you.

If the review says: God, this is the worst story I've ever read! Just stop! Now! Forever! You should ashamed of this piece of absolute garbage!

It means: You are the best writer on the face of the earth. But no one understands your genius! In the authors note, tell everyone to stop flamin' the story. But never stop writing it. Just include more of whatever it is the person hates. Then you will be famous forever and ever.

***

Well you've done it. You've come up with an entrancing title, an enticing summary, an irresistible plot, lyrical drabbles, and you can even interpret your reviews! In 5 easy-to-follow steps! Wow!

Now I shall reveal to you (since you are prepared to receive it by now) the most absolutely indispensable tip for writing amazingly popular Fanfiction:

Never finish the story.

Leave the audience hanging, leaving mournful reviews, pining over the ruin of your masterpiece. Abandon the story. Jump ship. It's the only way to be truly popular. This way, you will stick in the reader's hearts and memories.

Bonus points if you end on a cliffhanger, leaving some amazing and brilliant secret unrevealed. This will allow you to imply that you are creative enough to have thought up the secret without you actually having to think it up.

Bu now I must go. Hopefully you have learned enough from this guide to write obscenely popular stories. Remember these 5 easy steps and you simply cannot go wrong.

I'll post a new chapter soon!

…

Or will I?


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